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Post by Munchlax on Aug 10, 2006 2:55:43 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first person what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only 10 people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says, "Make ‘em all ugly again."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 10, 2006 3:00:18 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night. The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper. The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 10, 2006 3:06:04 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA pit bull and a great Dane meet at the vet’s office. The great Dane says, "What are you here for?" The pit bull says, "There’s this little boy who lives next door to us, and he’s always climbing the fence into our yard. The last time he did it, he came over and yanked on my ears and it really hurt, so I bit him. Now I’m being put to sleep." The great Dane expresses his shock at the unfairness of this. Then the pit bull asks, "Why are you here?" The great Dane says, "The woman who owns me is always walking around the house buck naked, and it’s been driving me crazy. Yesterday she dropped something on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up I couldn’t help myself, so I mounted her." The pit bull is mortified. "They’re putting you to sleep for THAT?" The great Dane says, "Put to sleep? Oh no, I’m here to get my nails clipped."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 15, 2006 11:57:02 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA businessman gets on an elevator. There’s already a blonde inside. She greets him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiles at her and replies, "S-H-I-T." She looks puzzled and repeats more slowly, "T-G-I-F." He again answers, "S-H-I-T." The blonde is trying to keep it friendly, so she smiles her biggest smile, and says as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiles back to her and once again says, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decides to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answers, "And ‘S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 15, 2006 12:09:15 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA woman in her forties goes to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon tells her about a new procedure called "The Knob." A small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head, hidden by her hair, and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman wants "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightens the knob and the effects are wonderful. The woman remains young-looking and vibrant. After 15 years, the woman returns to the surgeon. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looks at her closely and says, "My goodness, those aren't bags, those are your breasts!" She says, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 31, 2006 22:38:36 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, gimme a ... ... ... beer." The bartender goes, "What's with the big pause?" The polar bear says, "Always had 'em."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 31, 2006 22:45:22 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Who’s Jimmy Poole?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole." "Well, Jimmy, you’re staying after school!" The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and sees written, "It Pays To Advertise."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 31, 2006 22:53:49 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA man walks into a bar after a bad experience in court. He says to the crowd in the bar, "All lawyers are a bunch of assholes." A man sitting at the bar says, "Hey, I resent that remark." The first man says, "Oh, are you a lawyer?" "No – I'm an asshole."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 31, 2006 22:55:29 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesTwo bananas are laying on the beach when a turd comes floating by and says, "Come on in, the waters great!" One banana turns to the other and says, "You believe that shit?"
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 31, 2006 22:56:57 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesIt's a one-night stand. The couple has just finished having sex. The man kisses the lady and says, "I'd love to stay, but I bet your husband will be coming home anytime now." "Husband?!" the lady asks. "What makes you think I have a husband?" The man says, "I couldn't help but notice the picture of that man on your nightstand." The lady laughs and replies, "Oh, don't be silly. That's just me before the surgery."
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Post by Munchlax on Aug 31, 2006 23:02:50 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesThe new employee doesn’t show up for work on Monday, his first day, calling in sick instead. He comes in the next day and works the rest of the week. But on the following Monday, he calls in again. "I’m sick," he says. After working the rest of the week, he calls in the next Monday, repeating, "I’m sick." "What gives?" asks his exasperated boss. "You planning to call in sick every Monday?" "No, sir," the new employee says. "My sister is in a bad marriage, and every Monday morning before work, I go over to console her. One thing leads to another, and we end up making love all day long." "With your sister?" says the boss. "That’s disgusting!" "The man replies, "I told you I’m sick."
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Post by Munchlax on Sept 24, 2006 21:17:06 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesTwo guys are hitting the links at their local country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it. The first guy says "Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!" The second one goes, "Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec." So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, "Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?" So the other guy trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his friend says. "Same damn thing," he replies.
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Post by Munchlax on Sept 24, 2006 21:18:32 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesA guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor. "You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
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Post by Munchlax on Sept 24, 2006 21:20:38 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesThree women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes." The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!" She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog!"
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Post by Munchlax on Sept 24, 2006 21:29:03 GMT -8
Joke from Office PiratesThe 1st AffairA married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 p.m. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. "We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! "You've been playing golf!" The 2nd AffairA middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!" The 3rd AffairA mortician was working late one night. He was examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, when he made a startling discovery: Schwartz had the largest "thingy" he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented. "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" The 4th AffairA woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said. "Stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 a.m. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue. "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." The 5th AffairJake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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